YOU LOOKED AT ME BUT YOU DIDN'T SEE ME: ✨

TW: Depression, Anxiety, Attempted Suicide, Substance Abuse, Eating Disorders

No regrets.

Long story short, I've always struggled with how I've viewed my weight, ever since I was a mere tween. As I've gotten older, I've had a couple of personal encounters with eating disorders myself and although I've always been "skinny" up until two years ago, I've never seen myself as "skinny".

Although come to think of it, when I was in Grade 4, I do remember being chased around the classroom being teased and called "anorexic" by some of the kids in my class.

Which IS SOOOO not cool by the way.

In my books, it's just as bad as being called, "overweight".

When I was in Grade 6, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety. At the same time, I was being so heavily bullied that it reached the extent that I wanted to end my life.

At the tender age of 12.

All because some people wouldn't stop calling me "ugly" on the daily. Telling me that when I looked in the mirror it would crack.

Or they'd comment on my weight.

Oh yeah and let's not forget about the depression.

Words hurt guys, words hurt.

Also mental illness sucks.

About 2 years ago the depression and anxiety got incredibly bad. None of the meds worked.

I was put on some, what turned out to be, really bad anti anxiety medication that heavily contributed to me putting on 20 kilos.

I was told it may be a side effect but by the time I realized this, it was 20 kilos too late.

During this time people really thought it was their business to tell me what not to wear & what diets to be on & to tell me how "fat" I was.

One of the things I really appreciate about the majority of my generation is the desire of many of us to be 'woke'.

But seriously guys, c'mon, it's 2021 now.

There IS NOTHING WRONG with your weight - whatever your weight is.

And it is no one's business to ever make you feel otherwise.

What you need to understand is how NERVEWRECKING this post is to make for me.

Over the years my self confidence has been knocked like the leaning tower of pisa and at some point it collapsed.

But I've been told that I've inspired a couple of people so if this could help someone out there, screw it, I'm doing it.

As of this week, I have lost 8 kilos, which may not seem like a lot but out of the 20 kilos I've picked up due to the pills and eating disorders, I'd say it's a significant amount and I'm so proud of myself.

I've been working really hard on myself and it hasn't been easy.

But oh has it been worth it.

Special thanks to @emilyjenkins__ Jenkins my former personal trainer and amazing friend for all her tips and support.

To @darrenwhite_4@front_yard_fitness

And to @gabriella.kim for inspiring me over the past year and giving me the courage to do this.

Incredibly blessed with the amazing people and support I have in my life ❤️

Y'all know who you are ❤️

The crazy thing is I didn't do any crazy diets, or go to the gym every single day.

I started eating better, I started intermittent fasting, I worked out when I could and I cut out a lot of sugar.

The BIGGEST thing I cut out was people's BS.

Because at the end of the day, the only opinion that matters is yours.

No one else's.

So if you're struggling, don't stop.

Most people are ignorant and rude.

At the end of the day, you gotta keep doing you boo.

Picking up weight can make one depressed and anxious. Especially if they're picking up weight due to anti anxiety pills.

I was so depressed I wanted to end my life (for a multitude of reasons).

And people didn't make it any better.

On the 30th of April 2020, I attempted suicide by overdosing.

Due to that multitude of reasons.

But I'm alive for a reason. After taking what was meant to be a one month which turned into a 7 month social media and social hiatus till 2021, I'm here, I'm back and finally ready to tell my story. I may not be on cloud 9, but praise God I'm not in the same dark hole I was a year ago.

I'm also nowhere close to my goal but I'm so much closer to it than I was a year ago.

I am however incredibly grateful for all the progress that I've made and proud of how far I've come.

I'm finally starting to claim my confidence back.

Just know that you can do it and that you'll get there.

Happy and healthy is the goal ❤️❤️❤️

Trust your body, it will tell you what it needs 💕

God laid this verse on my heart today:

Ecclesiastes 3:11

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." 💝💖

Do whatever makes you most feel comfortable but never give in because someone said something to upset you.

Let your goals motivate you.

No one else.

Oh and before I forget.

Three things I've learnt on my journey:

One thing is this lil TedTalk

PLUS SIZE DOESN'T = "CUTE"

PLUS SIZE IS DAYUM SEXY IS WHAT IT IS.

But then again so is every body type.

But the plus size is marginalized so honey, we need to turn the tables and shine the truth 💅🏻

Second thing, if I want to wear a crop top or eat some mayo, I'm going to do it dayum straight.

We all deserve happiness.

Why should we light ourselves on fire just to keep others warm? Whoever said that had the right idea.

Third thing I have learnt is that weight fluctuates, beauty does not. If you're confident in your own body, your beauty is amplified by galaxies. So go on, and own it.

And remember.

As someone once along these lines said:

"If that light at the end of the tunnel isn't burning bright, light that queen up yourself."

If you need me to, in the meantime, I will with love shine that torch for you ✨

Love and light, always,

Your girl,

Nikka

xoxo